Nearly 60 Years Together
JImmie Walker
The seed for our marriage was sown in a student rag with a raid on my women’s hall by a group from a men’s hall, involving one of the group climbing in through my ground floor window (while we were all at formal Sunday Lunch) leaving a neat footprint on my Botany notes (a kind of reverse Cinderella situation) sixty four years ago and I still have that footprint!
We married at twenty three – far too young said my grandmother who had been married off by her father at nineteen! We came to live in a brand new house in Floyds Lane in 1960 knowing little about Pyrford except that it was geographically suitable for Julian’s job then and also for the place where he was hoping to work in the near future.
Marriage is a serious business ‘not to be entered into lightly…..’ as the service reminds us and the foundation for marriage is love. Despite the attempts of Shakespeare and other poets and writers on the subject over the years, no one quite describes various aspects of love as well as St Paul in Chapter 13 of his first letter to the Christians in Corinth verses 1 to 7. In his summary, Paul concludes that there is nothing that love cannot face and love never comes to an end – quite a claim!
We went to services at several local churches and although not being Anglican by upbringing we soon realised that St Nicholas’ had given us the warmest welcome and it was better to be in the church community where we lived than commute a longer distance in search of the familiar.
The Lovelace Drive estate had been built just before we arrived in Pyrford and Howard Church was the ‘new’ vicar who realised the need to provide for this new population, which included a large number of young families. The long- term plan had been to build a new church on a site that the PCC, with great foresight, had bought many years before and he decided that now was the time to build a bigger church, more accessible to the growing population. We were soon caught up, with many others, in knocking on doors to announce the proposal and invite donations – quite a daunting task. I also joined the fairly recently formed, and thriving young wives group, while Julian soon found he was the PCC Secretary. Already we felt we belonged and found new friends together. Betty Jehu (who sadly died in February) reminded me earlier in the year that we were entered in a Young Wives ‘Dunmow Flitch’ contest after only a year of marriage, not surprisingly we did not win as the other couple (The Morrisons) had been married rather longer – but it was fun! The arrival of children, for whom you have 24/7 responsibility, was a big challenge but, with the help of Dr Spock’s book of relaxed advice, we muddled through. Traditional roles then were for the husband to disappear each day to earn enough to support his family, whilst his wife was at home doing all the standard domestic chores of cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for the children, often making clothes for the children and herself, with a spot of gardening if time and inviting friends to bring their children to play and tea or going to their houses in the afternoons.
Attitudes were beginning to change and many wives worked full or part time, before children arrived, but they were still doing the bulk of the cooking and chores as well. Once you had children your place as a wife was definitely in the home. Nurseries virtually didn’t exist, au pairs were only supposed to do 3-4 hours of work a day and proper nannies were rare and expensive. Play groups began to appear which mostly took children for the morning from 9.00 until noon and many children only went for 2 or 3 mornings a week. Gradually society realised that mothers wanted good, safe childcare so that they could continue in employment and contribute to a stretched family budget.
Dealing with money was one of the first lessons that needed learning, few of our generation having shared flats in their single days, certainly not with the people they intended to marry, thereby learning about utility bills and the cost of a week’s food in a constructive manner other big annual bills such as insurance, which needed saving for in advance. As a non-earning wife it was very easy to feel you had no money with which to buy your best-beloved a birthday present or even to treat yourself to some non-essential shoes – careful budgeting was essential for the families survival even before there were children and only one earner.
Most marriages have their rocky patches, often due to outside pressures such as stress at work, or difficult neighbours. One or both partners may be feeling vulnerable, or that too much is being expected of them which is not fair. Hopefully, the one not suffering is able to support the vulnerable one and the marriage survives, but at other times reconciliation, comfort etc., is not available and divorce becomes the long-term solution, then usually the whole family suffers. This sad situation is always upsetting and none of us can see inside anyone else’s marriage. Then our job as friends may well be to listen and support but telling others what to do is never going to be helpful.
What have I have I learnt about marriage? Good communication and asset management are vital if life is not to become an ever tilting see-saw. Successful decision making with the art of compromise is essential. It is a voyage of discovery and adventure through storms and calm waters involving sorrows and undreamt-of joys and achievements which you never thought possible many of which were only made possible because of your other half. As you get older you value relationship more and more and thank God for each day you still have each other.
-Jimmie Walker