Marriage

Sue Terry

 

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When I heard what the subject was for Reflections this month I dismissed it saying I did not think I was the right person, as a divorcee, to write about marriage. A member of my home group said ‘why not?’ And then another said, ‘think outside the box’. With a challenge like that I had to come up with something! 

Thinking of the church and marriage, I am very glad I am a divorcee now and not in past centuries. We happily live in a much kinder, less judgemental time today. I can assure everyone, nobody chooses to get divorced without good reason and speaking for myself I wish things had turned out differently. I would love there to be someone that I could have shared Covid lockdown with but it was not to be. In spite of being a Christian, I firmly believe no-one, male or female, should be sentenced to a life of misery because a relationship has broken down which was the way that it was in the past because of the stigma. 

Very unusually for the time, back in the thirties, both my parents were divorced when they married. Both for the same reason, disagreements over having children. After they got married they had three children in very quick succession. I did not find out until much later how difficult it had been for them. My father was in the army and in those days you could not continue to serve if you were divorced particularly if the officer involved was marrying the ex-wife of another officer which was the case for them. I discovered in my father’s military records a letter from the general my father was working for at the time that stated he, the general, was ordering that my father should be retained in the service. That saved his job! My mother, who was a regular churchgoer, did not advertise the fact that she was divorced because so many people in the church would sit in judgement. The vicar’s wife got on very well with my mother and asked her why she did not join the WI. At that point my mother told her she was divorced and would love to join but by the rules of the day, she was not allowed to join the WI as a divorcee. It might seem strange to say that they believed in marriage when they had both been through a divorce but they very much did and would not have gone through what they did had they not done so. 

I have never regretted getting married but have regretted the end of it. Much of it was wonderful and of course it gave me the most precious “thing” in my life, my daughter and through her three, wonderful grandchildren. The breakdown was like bereavement. It took years to recover and there were so many regrets. But life goes on and for the sake of others about you, you have to move forward. I have not forgotten the good times. I have never wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I could not dismiss twenty-three years as though they had never occurred. 

I am hugely grateful to all the wonderful people who helped me. It was quite useful having a mother who had been through it herself and totally understood!  

Marriage fulfils so many of the things that many of us as human beings crave. Love, companionship, support, monetary security, safety in our daily lives, having a home, children and so many other things. If it lasts forever you are very lucky but sadly that is not what happens for everyone. 

-Sue Terry